I’ve found the mechanisms I use to break myself out of anxious, obsessive cycles to be very ritualistic and based in my own preoccupation with control. I’ve come to believe that I need complete control over myself to an exhausting degree, or fear the risk of losing everything. With all my work, I try to process and absolve myself of the responsibilities (obsession) I feel I deserve, which I am otherwise at the mercy of.
I’m currently interested both these ideas of dealing with what I can’t control and what I feel I should have in the contexts of race, sexuality, changing time, and femininity. I've been exploring these ideas in relevance to my biracial heritage and the layers of shame and confusion surrounding my experiences with it, tracing back to the roots of the initial ritual that caused all this conflict all the way to the current emotional and cultural obstacles that keep me from fully finding peace and balance with my heritage. I'm also interested in the effect of these fixations with control on my ability to process change and the forward movement of time, and the mechanisms I turn to to cope.